How Heated Arguments Mirror Unresolved Emotional Problems

I once heard that Gabriel García Márquez believed the key to a successful relationship is avoiding arguments. At the time, I dismissed the idea, finding myself embroiled in frequent debates with my partners—sometimes triggered by me, sometimes by them. Now, as I enter my mature years, I’ve come to see that Márquez may have been right in a deeper sense.

Through my study of psychoanalysis, I’ve learned that arguments often aren’t about the issue at hand. They stem from something hidden within us—unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or fears we may not even recognize. In these moments, what truly bothers us isn’t the issue itself but what it represents in relation with what we expect.

Freud's Insights on the Unconscious

Freud’s psychoanalytic theories offer a fascinating lens to understand the dynamics of arguments. He identified two mechanisms—condensation and displacement—originally in the context of dreams but later recognized their influence on how the unconscious mind processes emotions in daily life.

·        Condensation: This mechanism compresses multiple, often conflicting, ideas or feelings into a single symbol. For example, in dreams, water might symbolize emotions or intimacy. Similarly, a seemingly minor issue in an argument might conceal an unspoken emotional need or tension extending far beyond the immediate topic, like arguing about towels, cleaning or habits.

·        Displacement: This involves redirecting emotions from their true source to a safer target. Instead of addressing feelings of neglect with a partner, one might express frustration through something trivial, like a delayed post or traffic jams.

In dreams, these mechanisms manifest as desires, fears, or unresolved conflicts. In waking life, they appear in slips of the tongue, jokes, and, crucially, in heated arguments. As Jacques Lacan emphasized, the unconscious is always expressed through speech; however, we fail to listen to it clearly because it is disguised through condensations and displacements—or, in linguistic terms, metaphors and metonymies—shaping how we communicate in ways we do not fully understand.

Arguments as the Unconscious at Play

On the surface, arguments may appear practical—about chores, schedules, or habits. But viewed through a Freudian lens, they often mask deeper, underlying issues. Consider these examples:

1.     The Unwashed Car
A dispute over cleaning the car might symbolize neglect in the relationship. The car itself becomes a condensation of the relationship, its unwashed state reflecting feelings of emotional disregard.

2.     Missed Meals Together
Arguments about not eating together might uncover deeper concerns about intimacy, where sharing meals serves as a condensation and symbol of sexual rapport or connection.

3.     Dirty Dishes in the Sink
A single mother upset about her teenager leaving dirty dishes may not truly be angry about the dishes themselves but rather about her feelings of being alone, unappreciated, or unsupported. The dirty dishes condense these unmet emotional needs, with her frustration displaced onto the teenager.

In these examples, the argument serves as a proxy for expressing vulnerable emotions, such as feeling unimportant or unloved—a silent statement that says, “I am not getting what I need to be happy, and this situation makes it evident.”

Often, one might blame the situation while disguising the person perceived as responsible, obscuring both the true problem and the individual who might help address the emotional discomfort. Alternatively, one might mask the deeper issue by focusing entirely on the superficial situation, blaming the person for specific actions or inactions. This approach can create the illusion that resolving the immediate issue will solve the underlying emotional problem, further obscuring the deeper, unresolved emotions at play.

The Activation of the Dream Mechanism in Everyday Life

Freud distinguished between two modes of thinking:

• Primary Process: Unconscious, symbolic, and free-associative thought.
• Secondary Process: Conscious, logical, and structured reasoning.

During heated arguments, our minds often shift from the secondary to the primary process, explaining why minor issues can trigger disproportionate reactions. For instance, “feeling interrupted” might trigger an intense response rooted in past experiences of being undervalued or ignored. The interruption displaces these untold experiences, allowing them to surface in a “safer” form directed to a safer issue.

Recognizing this mechanism helps us approach conflicts with greater insight and also to recognize repetitive patterns that veils deeper problems.

Recognizing the Pattern to Communicate Better

García Márquez was right about this: when an heated argument takes place, it reveals that something within us is already fractured before it emerges. It is a desperate cry for help, and in that moment, it is nearly impossible to truly address the underlying issue. As the Portuguese poet Pessoa said, “The wound hurts because it hurts, not because of the cause that opened it.” This insight is crucial: the trigger of an argument often serves as a reminder of a deeper wound, one that may have been inflicted by others long ago. While words may temporarily soothe emotions during the argument, the unresolved void remains undeniable. Accepting this unresolved feeling—whether in yourself or your partner—is the first step toward healing and understanding.

Recognizing that arguments often conceal deeper meanings is a powerful tool for fostering healthier communication. One effective approach is to pause, reflect, and adopt a broader interpretation of the words and actions that arise during heated moments. This involves considering the multiple meanings—both direct and metaphorical—that any word (signifier) might carry, rather than fixating on a single interpretation (signified). By doing so, we can shift from a reactive stance to an introspective one, reducing the likelihood of unnecessary escalation.

Here’s How to Approach Conflict:

1.     Self-Reflection During Arguments:
If you find yourself triggering an argument, pause and ask: What am I truly upset about? How might this situation or object symbolize something deeper? What underlying feeling is this argument displacing? This moment of introspection fosters self-awareness and helps identify the root cause of the conflict.

2.     Open, Honest Communication:
If you’re on the receiving end of an argument and the relationship allows for vulnerability, consider bringing deeper feelings into the discussion. For instance, instead of responding defensively with, “I never refill the water jar,” you might say, “I sense that sometimes you feel overlooked, and I’m sorry if that’s the case.” This reframing shifts the focus from blame to understanding, encouraging a more meaningful dialogue.

3.     Acceptance and Letting Go:
When the root cause cannot be resolved immediately, or when discussing it openly feels too daunting, acknowledging the emotions involved without over explaining and letting go of the need to control is often the best option. Freud emphasized that repressing emotions is on the other hand counterproductive, especially because repression leads to repetitive patterns. However, recognizing these emotions without attachment can be profoundly liberating.

By combining self-reflection, honest communication, and acceptance, we can navigate the deeper emotional currents beneath arguments. This approach fosters personal growth and strengthens relationships, inviting us to view conflicts not as battles to win, but as opportunities to better understand ourselves and those around us.

Beyond Personal Relationships: Arguments in Broader Contexts

Conflicts with people outside our inner circle—bosses, colleagues, acquaintances, or strangers—can also carry unconscious displacements. For instance, a boss might channel personal frustrations onto an employee, or a stranger might lash out due to unresolved intimate struggles. Recognizing that such behavior often stems from their own issues, not yours, helps you maintain emotional boundaries. Engaging emotionally risks turning their problem into your own.

Integrating Lacan’s Perspective

Jacques Lacan, a psychoanalyst deeply influenced by Freud, offers a profound perspective on human relationships and desire. He argued that our sense of lack—the feeling that something is missing within us or in our lives—is not an external problem to be solved but an intrinsic part of being human. According to Lacan, this "lack" arises when we enter into language and the symbolic order it constructs (the universe of words and meanings). At that moment—such as when we associate the word mama with a person—we are separated from the immediate fullness of our pre-linguistic existence. This process typically occurs during the mirror stage (around the ages of 1.5 to 3).

During this stage, we become aware of the incomplete meaning of words (e.g., is mama a face, a figure, an action, or something else entirely?). This deficiency of language in providing full access to meaning creates a sense of absence within us, especially when we struggle to explain or describe ourselves and our place in the world.

Within this universe of symbols emerges what Lacan called the Other. The Other represents not just other people but also the symbolic authority—society, parents, or cultural norms—that shapes and governs our desires. According to Lacan, much of what we desire stems from a wish to fulfill what we imagine the Other wants from us. However, the belief that satisfying the Other will make us whole is an illusion. This illusion perpetuates our desires rather than resolving them, as our desires are endlessly shaped by unattainable fantasies.

Lacan described this inability to fully satisfy the Other with a provocative assertion: “there is no sexual relationship.” This challenges traditional notions of connection and intimacy. He does not deny the existence of physical intimacy but argues that perfect harmony or complete understanding between two individuals is impossible. Sexual relationships are mediated by fantasies: we relate to others not as they truly are but as we imagine them to be, particularly in terms of what we imagine the other desires from us. What we believe the other desires from us—and what we desire from them (to be desired)—is filtered through subjective fantasies and cultural frameworks. This dynamic, always rooted in language, ensures that mutual understanding is partial and incomplete.

When we become upset during arguments or conflicts, it often reflects a perceived violation of the imagined conditions required to satisfy the Other—not ourselves. This underscores how much of our emotional life revolves around trying to fulfill the expectations of the symbolic authority that provides us with a sense of safety and identity, often shaped during our earliest years. However, Lacan emphasizes that fulfilling the desire of the Other is fundamentally impossible.

Interestingly, even when the immediate cause of an argument is resolved—whether it’s being on time to pick up the children or picking up a towel from the bathroom floor—the underlying emotional situation remains unresolved. It simply becomes dormant until the next argument arises.

This understanding does not lead to despair but fosters greater self-awareness. By accepting that no one and nothing can "complete" us, we can approach relationships with reduced expectations and greater openness to imperfection. Recognizing that every argument involves individuals navigating their own struggles to satisfy a perceived third entity (the Other) allows us to let go of unrealistic ideals of “perfect matches.”

Lacan encourages us to embrace the complexity of desire and the impossibility of perfect fulfillment. Paradoxically, this acceptance opens the door to more meaningful, mature, and fulfilling interactions. Relationships built on kindness, understanding, and a recognition of shared human limitations become richer and more authentic, not because they resolve lack but because they embrace it.

A Call to Explore the Hidden

Freud famously described dreams as the “royal road to the unconscious.” Heated arguments, though less direct, can also serve as a revealing side street to the same destination. In those moments, when there is no therapist or witness, you are alone with your own or someone else’s fears and unfulfilled desires. These are the moments when this kind of insight becomes especially useful.

The next time you find yourself immerse into a conflict, pause and ask: What is this really about? What emotions or conflicts might it be condensing or displacing? By exploring these hidden meanings, you can foster deeper self-awareness, improve communication, and build kindness to the people in your personal and unique universe.